The next day I felt equally strengthened (capable of erection at any moment); and although I haven’t but been ready to meet the soldier once more, the thought that I shall enterprise to buy another offers me peace. Then putting the open tin box close under the wooden one, the slide was drawn again, and the higher slide closed, making it darkish, and in about a minute they went to feeding, as was ascertained by elevating slightly the wood box. I live in the hope that later I shall have a lover; I should have one; with out one, the future deems dark and barren, and all of the ambitions usually cherished-honor, place, and so forth.-appear empty and unattractive. Thus I nonetheless have the hope that I shall discover opportunity to fulfill the love I need, the love that may make me joyful; and i mustn’t prefer the suggestive removing of homo-sexual feelings, without the simultaneous substitution of a hetero-sexual equal, to my current condition.
If I mustn’t have this hope fulfilled, I know I shall be unable to lengthy devote myself to my enterprise with pleasure, and that i shall soon be in a condition to sacrifice every thing to acquire male love. I say, let him place himself in my scenario-with out house or pals-without cash or credit score-wanting shelter, and nobody to present it-wanting bread, and no money to purchase it,-and at the identical time let him really feel that he is pursued by merciless men-hunters, and in whole darkness as to what to do, where to go, or where to remain,-perfectly helpless each as to the means of defence and technique of escape,-in the midst of a lot, yet suffering the horrible gnawings of hunger,-in the midst of homes, but having no home,-among fellow-males, yet feeling as if within the midst of wild beasts, whose greediness to swallow up the trembling and half-famished fugitive is barely equalled by that with which the monsters of the deep swallow up the helpless fish upon which they subsist,-I say, let him be positioned in this most making an attempt situation,-the state of affairs during which I used to be positioned,-then, and not till then, will he totally recognize the hardships of, and know learn how to sympathize with, the toil-worn and whip-scarred fugitive slave.
I feel that the charm which the brothel and prostitutes have for me additionally begins to fade; but I am certain certain girls will all the time be capable of excite me by their kisses. This charm only implies that the gown may assist to strengthen or make outstanding the attraction exerted by the face, when, perhaps, the identical face in itself wouldn’t attract me to the same extent. “What I have stated of the attractiveness of sure sorts of gown is to not be understood in the sense that they appeal to me in themselves. As previously mentioned, I am very nervous, and i usually have paroxysms of onomatomania. Likewise in music, it is the nervous, thrilling music of a Chopin, a Schumann, a Schubert, or a Wagner, and so on., that is in most good harmony with me. But, since this love is considered criminal, in gratifying it I am in harmony with myself, however not with our age of the world; and, due to this fact, I must, essentially, be somewhat depressed; the extra, since I’ve a frank character that hates lie. For the opportunity of such recognition one need but recall the Greeks and their friendships, which had been nothing but sexual love; and one has only to think that, regardless of such unnatural vice, practiced by their greatest men in mental and esthetic issues, the Greeks are nonetheless regarded as an unattainable example, and held up for imitation.
There may be nothing improbable in them. I used to be amazed by the number of males who were there passionately making an attempt to persuade the lots of people why their ideas have been good and true. In the father’s household there had been consanguineous marriages for three generations. This does not appear any misfortune, despite the fact that I like family life, and have so far lived only with my mother and father. I can’t regard male love as a vice, although I can nicely understand why it is taken into account vicious. At times, I also have terrible depression and melancholia, after i see the difficulty of gratification corresponding with my male-loving nature; and when I’m significantly excited sexually, and have overcome the need, owing to impossibility of male gratification. In such situations, usually the depression is associated with absolute lack of sexual desire. “With younger males of higher place, my sensual desire is less outstanding. If it have been to be of any use, which I doubt, but I should actually desire to be assured of a lasting love for women.